Pehea e loaʻa ai kahi pilina polyamorous maikaʻi

Anter

• ʻAʻole ia he kūlana "One Way or the Highway"
• ʻAʻole pili wale i ka wahine
• Akā hele mai ka moekolohe i ka pāʻani
• Akā e aʻo ʻia ...
• Makemake paha ʻoe e hōʻoluʻolu iā ʻoe iho
• ʻO kekahi mau hana maikaʻi loa
• Nānā no

ʻOiai paʻakikī ke haʻi pololei ehia mau poʻe e komo i kahi pilina polyamorous (ʻo ia hoʻi, kahi mea e pili ana i ka loaʻa ʻana o nā mea i ʻoi aku ma mua o hoʻokahi hoa), me he mea lā ke ala aʻe nei, a i ʻole, e loaʻa ana kona manawa i ke aniani. Wahi a kahi noiʻi ʻāina ʻo Avvo.com mai Iune 2015, ma kahi o 4 pakeneka o ka heluna kanaka ʻAmelika e ʻae ana i kahi pilina ākea, e like me 12,8 miliona mau kānaka. ʻAe, miliona. No laila, inā ʻike ʻoe iā ʻoe iho i ka manaʻo e pili ana i ka polyamory, a pehea e loaʻa ai kahi pilina polyamorous olakino, e ʻike ʻaʻole ʻoe wale nō-a heluhelu e kiʻi i nā ʻōlelo aʻoaʻo koʻikoʻi e ʻōlelo ai nā poʻe āpau e pono e ʻike. (E pili pū ana: 8 mau mea e makemake ai nā kāne e ʻike i nā wahine e pili ana i ka wahine)

ʻAʻole ia he kūlana "One Way or the Highway"

ʻO ka mea mua, nui nā ʻano like ʻole o ka pilina polyamorous, no laila he mea nui e ʻike pono i ke ʻano. "ʻO Polyamory kahi kūlana o ka puʻuwai hāmama a me ka noʻonoʻo e pili ana i ka loaʻa ʻana o nā pilina like ʻole," wahi a Anya Trahan, ka mea aʻoaʻo pili a me ka mea kākau o Aloha Wehe: Nā Pilina Manaʻo a me ka Evolution of Consciousness. "Pili paha ka pili aloha i ka moekolohe a me ka pili aloha, a i ʻole ke ʻano o ka pilina hohonu a i ʻole ka ʻuhane."

ʻO kēlā manaʻo hāmama ke kī i kahi pilina polyamorous kūleʻa - a no ke aha paha ka nui o ka poʻe e ʻae nei i kēia manawa e hoʻokolohua me ia. "He nui ka poʻe ma ka honua holoʻokoʻa e naʻauao nei i ka [manaʻo] ʻaʻole pili ke aloha i ke kāne," wahi a Trahan. Ke hiki mai kēlā, "hoʻomaka mākou e nīnau i nā mea ʻē aʻe i manaʻo ʻia he 'maʻamau,' e like me ka manaʻo ʻo ke ala wale nō e loaʻa ai kahi pilina olakino, pilina ma waena o nā kānaka ʻelua wale nō."

Ka mea, inā kū ʻoe e noʻonoʻo e pili ana, hiki ke noʻonoʻo i kekahi. Ma kahi o 38 ka nui o nā male e pau ana i ka hemo ʻana mai 2000 a 2014, e like me ka CDC, ʻōlelo ʻo Trahan he nui ka poʻe e hoʻonui nei i ko lākou ʻike. A ʻo Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., ka mea aʻoaʻo pilina a me ka mea kākau o ʻO ka Polyamorist Next Door: I loko o nā pilina a me nā ʻohana lehulehu, 'ōlelo ia he ala no ka poʻe e loaʻa hou ai ko lākou naʻau a me ke kino pono. "Ke loaʻa nei nā pono hou aʻe, a ua hui ʻia nā pono like ʻole me nā hoa like ʻole," i ʻōlelo ʻo ia.

ʻAʻole pili wale i ka wahine

ʻOiai he mea maʻalahi ke lele i ka manaʻo he makemake nā poʻe i loko o ka pilina polyamorous e loaʻa i nā ʻano like ʻole e like me ka hiki iā lākou, ʻōlelo ʻo Sheff lāua ʻo Trahan ʻaʻole ʻo ia ka hihia. "Hoʻolālā ʻo Media e hōʻike i ka poli i kahi ala sensationalist, eia naʻe ke nānā iki nei i ka hana keaka a me ka moekolohe," wahi a Trahan. "Akā, ʻo ka poʻe poly aʻu i ʻike ai he poʻe ʻuhane hohonu ia, he poʻe aloha, alakaʻi alakaʻi i ko lākou kaiāulu." ʻAe ʻo Sheff, me ka hoʻomaopopo ʻana i kēlā mau mea polyamory e hana nei e ʻoi aku ka makemake ma mua o ka moekolohe i ka pilina. ʻOiai ka poʻe makemake e lilo i ʻāpana o ke kaiāulu e lele ana, no ka laʻana, ʻoi aku ka nui o ka nānā ʻana i ka ʻoliʻoli o ke kino, i ʻōlelo ʻo ia. (ʻIke ʻoe Hiki i nā Wahine ke kiʻi i nā polū polū pū kekahi?)

A i kekahi manawa, ʻaʻole komo ka wahine i ke kiʻi, wahi a Trahan. "Nui ka poʻe i ka naʻau a i ʻole ka ʻuhane poly, ʻo ia hoʻi ke komo nei i nā pilina hohonu me ka ʻole o ka moekolohe," wehewehe ʻo ia. ʻO ka hoʻopili wale ʻana me kahi kanaka ʻē aʻe hiki iā ʻoe ke hilinaʻi maoli, a me ka hoʻonohonoho mua ʻana i kou pilina me lākou, me ka hopohopo ʻole inā loaʻa iā ʻoe-a hāʻawi paha i kahi orgasm, wahi a Sheff.

Akā hele mai ka moekolohe i ka pāʻani

ʻOiaʻiʻo, ʻo ka poʻe i ʻike he polyamorous i kekahi manawa he pilina pili me kekahi ma mua o kā lākou hoa pili mua, wahi a Sheff. ʻOiai ʻaʻole manaʻo ʻia he hoʻopunipuni, ʻaʻole ia he manaʻo ʻaʻohe kānāwai. "Koi ʻia nā kamaʻilio ʻae a me ka ʻoiaʻiʻo i nā manawa āpau," wahi a Trahan. A ʻo Tara Fields, Ph.D., ka lāʻau lapaʻau male a me ka mea kākau o The Love Fix: Hoʻoponopono a hoʻihoʻi i kāu pilina i kēia manawa, 'ōlelo ia he mea nui e hoʻokumu i nā palena me kāu hoa o kēia manawa ma mua o ka mākaʻikaʻi ʻana, ʻoiai ʻaʻole ma ka ʻaoʻao like ʻolua e pili ana i nā mea maikaʻi a me nā mea maikaʻi ʻole, a he mea hiki ke hoʻonāukiuki i ka pilina wikiwiki. "E pili ana i ka hilinaʻi, a pono ʻolua e like me ka hoihoi, ka ʻimi, a me ka makemake e hoʻāʻo," wahi āna. No laila e pane ana i nā nīnau koʻikoʻi e like me, "He aha ka hopena inā hoʻomaka ʻoe e aloha i kekahi?" a i ʻole "Ehia mau hoa hou e pili ana me kā mākou mau keiki (inā loaʻa iā ʻoe)?" pono e kūkākūkā a ʻae ʻia nā mea a pau ma mua o ka neʻe ʻana o kekahi, wahi āna.

ʻO ka pale kahi mea nui loa no ka polyamorous, wahi a Sheff. "Mālama nui lākou me ka hoʻāʻo ʻana a me ka ʻike ʻana i ko lākou kūlana, ke kū nei i luna o ka hoʻohana ʻana i nā pale [hānau hānau], a ke piʻi mai nei me nā ala leʻaleʻa a me ka hana e hana i kēlā mau pale i mea nani a hoihoi," i ʻōlelo ʻo ia. No laila pale i kou olakino moekolohe ma ka hoʻāʻo ʻana a me ka noi ʻana i kāu poʻe hoa e hana like, a laila hōʻike i kekahi i kekahi i kāu hopena. (Eia pehea e nīnau ai i kāu hoa inā loaʻa iā ia kahi hōʻike STD.) Pono e hana kēia i ka manawa e hoʻolauna ʻia kahi hoa hou no kēlā me kēia kanaka, wahi a Sheff, ʻoiai hiki ke loli ke kūlana me ka ʻike ʻole o ka poʻe.

Akā e aʻo ʻia ...

ʻO kahi kuhi hewa maʻamau i hana ʻia e ka poʻe i ka wā e wehe ai i kā lākou pilina me ka polyamory ke manaʻo nei e hoʻoponopono i nā pilikia āu e loaʻa nei me kāu hoa. "Inā ua haki ka pilina, ʻaʻole kōkua ka hoʻohui ʻana i nā poʻe hou aku," wahi a Sheff. "Inā hauʻoli maoli ʻoe, he papa hana ia no ka pōʻino a ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o ka haʻalele ʻana i ka pilina a neʻe i nā mea hou ma mua o ka hopu ʻana i kahi mālama ola." No ke aha mai? ʻ sayslelo ʻo Sheff ma muli o ka pilina polyamorous e koi ai i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo a me ke kamaʻilio mau ʻana-ʻelua mau mea e pani pinepine ʻia ke paʻakikī ka pilina - koi ʻia ʻoe e alo i kāu mau pilikia. A inā ʻaʻole ʻoluʻolu ʻoe e hana i kēlā me hoʻokahi hoa, a laila ʻaʻole maikaʻi ke lawe ʻana i kahi ʻaoʻao ʻekolu i ka hui.

"He mea nui ia e ʻike ai i ka ʻokoʻa ma waena o 'aneʻi kahi manawa kūpono no ka ulu ʻana a hiki iā mākou ke puka ikaika a hauʻoli hoʻi ma kēlā ʻaoʻao' a 'ʻo kēia pili wale nō e pili wale ana a ʻaʻole ia e maikaʻi," i ʻōlelo ʻo ia. "He paʻakikī ia, akā he mea pono e hana ʻia no ka mea e hoʻopili pono ai ka polyamory i kou maka i kāu mau pilikia."

ʻO kekahi kumu ʻaʻole e lele i loko o polyamory: ʻAʻole maopopo ʻoe inā ʻo ia ka mea āu e makemake ai. "Pono ʻoe e ʻike i kou mau palena ponoʻī a i ʻole e kamaʻilio nā kānaka iā ʻoe i nā mea āu e makemake ʻole ai e hana," wahi a Sheff. Inā makemake kāu hoa e poly, a ʻaʻole ʻoe, ua hiki i ka manawa e loiloi hou ai i ka pilina. Mai kaomi ʻia inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e komo i loko.

Ma mua o ka luʻu ʻana, manaʻo ʻo Sheff e nīnau iā ʻoe iho i kēia mau nīnau: "Pehea ka manaʻo o ka ʻike ʻana i kaʻu hoa pili e pāʻani nei me kekahi?" "ʻOluʻolu wau i ka moekolohe ʻana me kekahi a me ka hoʻomaopopo ʻana ʻaʻole ia he hoʻopunipuni-a like no kaʻu hoa?" a "Ke kū'ē nei anei kēia i kekahi o kaʻu mau manaʻoʻiʻo nui a i ʻole nā ​​manaʻo ʻuhane?"

Makemake paha ʻoe e hōʻoluʻolu iā ʻoe iho

No ka mea maʻamau ka hoʻopukapuka ʻana o ka polyamory, ʻōlelo ʻo Sheff he mea akamai paha ke wehewehe ʻana iā ʻoe iho he monogam-ish i ka wā e hoʻomaka ai ʻoe. "Haʻi ʻo Polyamory i nā poʻe ʻē aʻe ke ʻimi nei ʻoe i ke aloha me nā poʻe ʻē aʻe, akā i ka wā e hoʻomaka ai ʻoe e ʻimi e pono paha ʻoe e noʻonoʻo pono inā hana ʻole ka monogamy iā ʻoe," wahi āna. "ʻO kēlā ʻano ʻōlelo, monogam-ish, e ʻike i ka poʻe, 'E, ke nānā wale nei au i kēia a ʻaʻole maopopo kaʻu e hana nei,' no laila ʻaʻole lākou e hoʻokomo koke i ka naʻau. ."

A laila, e kamaʻilio e pili ana ia me kāu hoa o kēia manawa e ʻike inā wehe paha lākou i ka manaʻo ma mua o kāu hana ʻana i kekahi mea, wahi a Fields. A i ʻole, ʻaʻohe mea āu e ʻōlelo ai, e hele ana ia ma ke ʻano he hoʻopunipuni. A inā ʻaʻole lākou ʻoluʻolu me ia, a laila pono ʻoe e haʻalele i ka manaʻo a i ʻole e haʻalele i ka hoa, wahi āna. Hoʻohui ʻo Trahan, i kēlā manawa, ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o kou makemake e alualu i ka poly ma ke ʻano he kanaka hoʻokahi.

No ka hoʻopili ʻana i ke kumuhana, ʻōlelo ʻo Sheff he mea nui ia e hoʻomaka me ka hōʻoia. Ke ʻōlelo nei i kekahi mea e like me, "Babe, makemake wau e ʻike ʻoe i kaʻu aloha iā ʻoe, makemake wau iā ʻoe a makemake wau iā ʻoe, a hauʻoli wau i kā mākou pilina," haʻi iā ia i mua ʻaʻole ia e pili ana i ka hauʻoli ʻole i ka mea Loaʻa iā ʻoe i kēia manawa-a ʻoi aku ka kikoʻī āu e hiki ai, ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi. A laila e akaka e makemake wale ʻoe kamaʻilio e pili ana, ʻaʻole ʻoe i hana i kekahi mea, a hiki iā ia ke hilinaʻi iā ʻoe.

ʻO kekahi mau hana maikaʻi loa

E noʻonoʻo i ke ʻano o ka pilina polyamorous āu e makemake ai. Hiki ke ʻokoʻa loa ka wehewehe ʻana mai hoʻokahi kāne mai kekahi, wahi a Trahan Polyfidelity. Makemake nā poʻe ʻē aʻe e loaʻa nā "ʻoihana pili loa," kahi e "lepili" ʻia nā ipo ma ke ʻano he kula mua, kula kiʻekiʻe a kula kiʻekiʻe paha, e pili ana i ka pae o ka hoʻokō e pili ana. A laila aia kahi pilina anarchy, ke loaʻa iā ʻoe nā pilina ākea, akā ʻaʻole e kahakaha a hoʻokau paha iā lākou.

E hoʻonaʻauao. "He nui nā puke maikaʻi ma laila ma polyamory, like Ākea hamama a Ka Hoʻololi Pāʻani, "wahi a Sheff." Aia pū kekahi pehea i nā puke e hiki ai iā ʻoe ke nānā a me nā pūʻulu kākoʻo pūnaewele e hiki ke kōkua i ka pane ʻana i nā nīnau āu i loaʻa. ʻO nā kāne a polyamorous. ʻO Sheff, ʻo ia kekahi o kēia mau kākāʻōlelo, i ʻōlelo ʻia hiki iā ʻoe ke loaʻa i kahi papa inoa o nā loea ma ka National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

E hoʻonoho i kāu mau palena. He mea nui e ʻike i ko ʻolua manaʻo e pili ana i kekahi mau kūlana, wahi a Trahan, no laila e uhi ana i nā kumuhana e like me ka nui o ka ʻike i loaʻa i kāu hoa-a i ka wā e loaʻa ai iā lākou (makemake anei lākou e ʻae iā ʻoe ma mua, e ʻike e pili ana iā ia ma hope koke o ka hana ʻana, a ʻaʻole makemake ʻoe e ʻike inā ʻaʻole ʻoe i pilikia?) ʻo ia ke kī i ka holomua. Nā kumuhana ʻē aʻe: Inā maikaʻi no kekahi mea ʻē aʻe ma mua o ʻoe e moekolohe ma kou wahi moe; inā maikaʻi nā moe; ʻO wai ka mea hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻike a ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻike (ua hala nā palena?); a inā he ʻokoʻa kāu mau waihona panakō āu e hoʻohana ai no nā kālā e pili ana me nā poʻe ʻē aʻe (e hele ana i nā lā, nā hoʻomaha, a pēlā aku.).

E heluhelu mauy e kūkākūkā hou. ʻO kahi pilina polyamorous e hana nei no ʻoe ʻaʻole iki ka hopena o ka mea āu i moeuhane ai moemoeā ai paha, e ʻōlelo ana ʻo Sheff, no laila e noʻonoʻo hāmama. A inā ʻoe e hele nei i kēia me kahi hoa pili mua, ʻōlelo ʻo Fields e hoʻomau mau i ka nānā ʻana me kekahi i kāu hana hou ʻana. "Ma muli o kou wehe ʻana i ka ʻimi ʻana ʻaʻole ia he manaʻo e ʻoluʻolu ʻoe i kēlā me kēia ʻano o kāu hoa pili, a i ʻole ʻoe e hahai," wahi āna. "Hana i nā mea e ʻoluʻolu ai ʻolua, nānā, a kūkākūkā i ka mea aʻe. Inā hoʻomaka kekahi o ʻolua e hopohopo, a laila kamaʻilio ʻolua e pili ana i nā mea maikaʻi no ʻolua."

E hoʻopono. ʻO ia ka ʻae ʻana i nā manaʻo lili, makemake ʻoe i kahi mea āu i maopopo ʻole ai ua maikaʻi kāu hoa, a i ʻole ʻaʻole hana ia no ʻoe-ʻaʻohe mea ʻē aʻe, ua ʻae nā poʻe akamai a pau e pono ke kamaʻilio mau a me ka pololei. no ka pilina polyamorous holomua. "He mea hōʻeha kēia i ka naʻau, a he mea ia e alo ai i kāu mau pilikia," wahi a Sheff. Inā pili ʻoe i ka polyamory a ʻaʻole paha, ʻo ka hoʻokumu ʻana i kēia maʻamau ʻo ia ka mea hiki ke ulu a loaʻa kahi pilina ʻoi aku ka ʻoiaʻiʻo a me ka pilina ma mua.

Nānā no