ʻO ʻoe wale a mehameha paha?

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ʻAʻole ia he mea kupanaha ka nui aʻe o mākou e ʻike mehameha. ʻAʻole mākou ʻike i ko mākou mau hoalauna, kūʻai mākou a launa pū ma ka Pūnaewele, ʻaʻole mākou i lawa ka manawa no kā mākou mau hoaaloha, hana mākou me ke kāʻei ʻana i nā headphone e pale aku ai i ka honua, lele mākou mai kahi hana i kahi hana, ke kūlanakauhale a ke kūlanakauhale.

"He nui ka poʻe i kēia lā ke pau nei i ka mehameha," wahi a Jacqueline Olds, M.D., he mea kōkua polopeka no ka psychiatry ma ke Kulanui Lapaʻau ʻo Harvard a he hoa kākau o ka puke. Ke lanakila nei i ka Loneliness i ke ola o kēlā me kēia lā (Birch Lane Press, 1996). "ʻO ka ʻoiaʻiʻo o ka neʻe nui ʻana o nā kānaka a he liʻiliʻi ka manawa e hoʻolaʻa ai i ka mālama ʻana i kā lākou mau pilina pili ʻana e hoʻopau maoli i kahi ʻano pōʻino."

Ma ka makahiki 1998, ʻo ka makahiki hou loa i loaʻa ai ka ʻikepili, 26.3 miliona ʻAmelika i noho hoʻokahi - mai 23 miliona i ka makahiki 1990 a me 18.3 miliona i ka makahiki 1980. Ke koʻikoʻi nei kā mākou moʻomeheu ʻAmelika i ke koʻikoʻi o ke kanaka kūʻokoʻa, kūʻokoʻa. , kaukaʻi. Akā i ke kumukūʻai hea? ʻO kēia nā ʻano like ʻole e hiki ke alakaʻi i nā pilina liʻiliʻi me nā poʻe ʻē aʻe.

I kēia lā, wahi a Olds, he nui ka poʻe o mākou e ʻeha nei i ke kūʻokoʻa nui. Ma ke ʻano he laʻana koʻikoʻi, haʻi ʻo ia i nā ʻōpio ʻelua i kau i ke kula kiʻekiʻe ʻo Columbine ma ka palapala ʻāina. Ua like kēlā me kēia o lākou me he poʻe mehameha lā, wahi a ia, "a aia mau lākou ma ke kaʻe; ʻaʻohe mea ʻae maoli iā lākou."

ʻO kēia kahi hanana maʻamau ʻoi aku: Ke hele ʻoe i ke kula kiʻekiʻe a me ke koleke, ua puni ʻoe i ka nui o nā hoa aloha. Ma nā wahi a pau āu e nānā ai, ʻike ʻoe i nā poʻe o kou mau makahiki me nā ʻano like ʻole, nā makemake, nā pahuhopu a me nā papa hana. Loaʻa i nā hoaaloha a me nā hui ka manawa e hele ai. Akā ke haʻalele ʻoe i ka kamaʻāina o ke kula a komo i ke ao kanaka makua -- i kekahi manawa ma ke kūlanakauhale hou, me kahi hana hou a koʻikoʻi i waena o nā poʻe hou -- ʻoi aku ka paʻakikī o ka loaʻa ʻana o nā hoaaloha.

Ka stigma o ka mehameha

"ʻAʻohe mea e manaʻo e haʻalele wale lākou," wahi a Olds. "ʻO ka loneli kahi mea e hui pū ai nā kānaka me ka poʻe nalo." ʻOiai i ka pilikino o kahi hālāwai lapaʻau, ʻōlelo ʻo Olds, ʻaʻole makemake ka poʻe maʻi e ʻae i ko lākou manaʻo mehameha. "Hele mai ka poʻe i ka lāʻau lapaʻau me ka hoʻopiʻi ʻana i ka haʻahaʻa haʻahaʻa, ʻoiai ʻo ka pilikia maoli ka mehameha. ʻaʻohe manaʻo e ʻike ai ka hapa nui o nā poʻe ʻē aʻe i kahi mehameha. "

ʻO ka Loneliness kahi stigma, ʻo ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, e lilo ka poʻe iā ia i nā balota inoa ʻole, akā ke noi ʻia e hāʻawi i ko lākou mau inoa, koho lākou e ʻae ma kahi o ko lākou pono, ʻaʻole mehameha. Eia naʻe, ʻo ka ʻae ʻana he mehameha ʻoe -- a ʻo ka ʻike ʻana he mea maʻamau loa ka loneliness - hiki ke hana mua i ka hoʻoponopono ʻana i ka pilikia. ʻO kāu hana hou e hoʻāʻo e hālāwai me nā poʻe i loaʻa iā ʻoe kahi mea like.

ʻOi aku ka mehameha, ʻaʻole naʻe mākou kaʻawale

ʻAʻole maʻalahi ka hana ʻana i nā pilina hou ma ke ʻano he makua ma mua o kou wā ʻōpio, e like me kā Carol Hildebrand o Wellesley, Mass., E hōʻike ai. I kekahi mau makahiki i hala aku nei, iā ia i kona 30 mau mua, ua ʻike ʻo Hildebrand i kahi mehameha me ka hapa nui o kāna mau huakaʻi hele wāwae a me nā hoomoana hoʻomoana e mare ana a hānau keiki.

"ʻAʻole i loaʻa i koʻu mau hoaaloha ka manawa e hele hou ai i kahi hoʻomoana i ka hoʻoilo," wahi a Hildebrand, he mea hoʻoponopono no ka makasina ʻenehana ʻoihana ma ka ʻāina ʻo Boston. "Ua loli ko lākou ola. Ua pau koʻu mau hoaaloha i noho kaʻawale a loaʻa ka manawa noʻu," wahi a Hildebrand.

ʻO ka hapa nui o mākou i ko mākou mau makahiki he 30 i loaʻa i kēia ʻike like. Akā ʻaʻole hiki ʻole ke hana i mau hoaaloha hou - pono ʻoe e ʻike ma hea e nānā ai. Eia kekahi ʻōlelo aʻoaʻo e pili ana i ka hoʻopili ʻana me nā poʻe ʻē aʻe a pehea e hana ai i nā pilina āu i hohonu aʻe:

1. Noi mai i wahi kokua. "Ke huhū nui nei ka hapa nui o ʻAmelika e noi aku i nā lokomaikaʻi a hoʻomaka i kahi pōʻai like ʻole o ke kōkua ʻana i kekahi i kekahi," wahi a Harvard's Olds. Akā inā e ʻōlelo ʻoe, "e ʻaiʻē i ke kō" mai kou hoalauna, e noi mai paha ʻo ia iā ʻoe e hoʻoinu i kāna mea kanu ke hele ʻo ia. Ma hope o ka manawa, e hilinaʻi ʻoe ma luna o kekahi me kekahi no nā makemake ʻē aʻe (kahi holo i ke kahua mokulele?) A e hoʻokumu ʻia paha kahi aloha.

2. Malia paha ʻaʻole pono kāu ipo a hoaaloha paha i 28 makahiki, he aʻo kula, hoʻokahi, a me ka pueo heterosexual pō i aloha iā Lyle Lovett, nā meaʻai Vietnamese a me ka kayak kai, e like me ʻoe. ʻO ka hoʻopaʻa ʻana iā ʻoe iho i kahi kope kalapona o ʻoe ke ʻano o ka nalo ʻana i kekahi mau hoaaloha maikaʻi. E wehe i nā hoaaloha me nā poʻe o nā makahiki ʻē aʻe, nā ʻano hoʻomana, nā lāhui, nā ʻono, nā hoihoi a me nā ʻano moe.

3. Nui nā wahine mehameha no ka mea ʻaʻohe o lākou makemake e hoʻopiha i ko lākou manawa hoʻokahi. Lawe i kahi leʻaleʻa hiki iā ʻoe ke hana solo - pena, humuhumu, ʻauʻauʻau, hoʻokani piano, kākau ʻana i loko o kahi puke pai, ke aʻo ʻana i kahi ʻōlelo haole, ka holoholo, paʻi kiʻi (makemake nā mea āpau e hana i kekahi mea) - no laila e ʻike hou ʻoe ʻoluʻolu ke ʻoe ʻoe iho. A e hoʻomanaʻo i kēia: ʻO ka nui o kāu mau leʻaleʻa, ʻoi aku ka nui o kou kaʻana like ʻana me nā poʻe ʻē aʻe a ʻoi aku ka hoihoi i nā hoaaloha hou.

4. ʻO kēlā me kēia papahana kaʻana like paha e alakaʻi i ka pilina, no laila e koho i kahi kumu āu e manaʻoʻiʻo ai a hoʻomaka i ka hoʻolālā. E hui pū me kahi hoʻolaha politika kūloko a i ʻole hui kaiapuni; hōʻiliʻili kālā no kahi manawaleʻa; hoʻonohonoho i kahi 10k; hoʻokumu i kahi hui mālama pēpē me nā makuahine ʻē aʻe; manawaleʻa no ka lawelawe kaiāulu e like me ke aʻo ʻana i nā keiki e heluhelu a hoʻomaʻemaʻe paha i nā paka kūloko. Hiki paha iā ʻoe ke hana i nā pilina hohonu ke kau ʻoe i nā poʻe like like.

E hoʻomanaʻo hoʻi i kēia: ʻo ka hana ʻana i mau hoaaloha i manawa, no laila koho i kahi papahana lōʻihi. (Hiki iā ʻoe ke lawe i kahi papa a i ʻole hui i ka hui - nā hana akamai, nā haʻuki, nā hale kiʻiʻoniʻoni, nā tennis, nā mea āpau - kahi e hui ai ʻoe me nā poʻe e like me kou makemake.)

5. E noi aku i kekahi o kāu papa yoga (a i ʻole ke keʻena a hale hale paha ... ) i waho no ke kofe. Inā ʻōlelo ʻo ia ʻaʻole, e nīnau inā makemake ʻo ia e hele i kekahi manawa ʻē aʻe. Inā ʻōlelo ʻo ia ua paʻahana loa ʻo ia, mai manaʻo ʻoe e hoʻohalahala ana ʻo ia no ka mea ʻaʻole makemake ʻo ia iā ʻoe. Nui loa paha kāna hana e hana i mau hoaaloha hou. E neʻe i kahi mea ʻē aʻe, a mai lawe i kēia hōʻole iā ʻoe iho. ʻO nā mea a pau āu e hana ai, e hoʻomaka liʻiliʻi -- mai kono i kekahi āu i ʻike ai e hele i ka ski i ka hopena pule.

"He mea maʻalahi loa ia no ka poʻe a pau inā hele mālie," wahi a Mary Ellen Copeland, M.S., M.A., he mea hoʻonaʻauao olakino noʻonoʻo a mea kākau o Ka Buke Hana Mehameha (New Harbinger Publications, 2000). "Nui nā pilikia o ka poʻe me ka hilinaʻi. Ua ʻeha lākou ma mua ma kekahi ʻano e kekahi, no laila e hoʻi hope lākou mai nā hoaaloha e kūkulu wikiwiki nei."

6. Aia kekahi pūʻulu kākoʻo no nā mea a pau -- nā makuahine hou, nā mākua hoʻokahi, nā mea inu ʻona, nā mea ʻoihana liʻiliʻi, nā maʻi maʻi maʻi a me nā mea ʻai nui, e inoa i kekahi. Hui pū i hoʻokahi. Inā he hui e kākoʻo ana i kāu mau pono a makemake paha, e hoʻāʻo. Hōʻike ʻo Olds i ka Toastmasters, he mau mokuna paha ma nā kūlanakauhale āpau o ʻAmelika Hui Pū ʻIa. Hui pū nā mea komo e hoʻomaʻamaʻa mau i kā lākou kamaʻilio lehulehu. Hoʻokipa ʻo Toastmasters i nā poʻe o nā makahiki āpau a me nā ʻano like ʻole o ke ola, a ʻaʻohe kumu kūʻai.Hiki iā ʻoe ke hālāwai me nā poʻe kupanaha ma kēia ala, wahi a Olds. E nānā ma ka Pūnaewele; a inā ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻimi i ka hui kūpono, e noʻonoʻo e hoʻomaka i kāu hui ponoʻī.

7. E ʻimi i ka lāʻau lapaʻau e kūkulu i kou manaʻo ponoʻī. "ʻO ka poʻe i manaʻo ʻino iā lākou iho, paʻakikī lākou i ka launa ʻana a me ka launa pū ʻana me nā poʻe, no laila ke ʻano mehameha lākou," wahi a Copeland. Inā ʻo ʻoe kēia, e ʻimi i kahi lāʻau lapaʻau e hiki ke kōkua iā ʻoe e nānā ʻokoʻa iā ʻoe iho.

No Carol Hildebrand, ua ʻimi ʻo ia i nā pilina hou ma nā wahi ʻelua. ʻO ka mea mua, ua komo ʻo ia i ka Appalachian Mountain Club, nāna e kākoʻo i nā hikes a me nā hana ʻē aʻe o waho. Ua hoʻomaka ʻo ia e hele i nā huakaʻi - e like me ka piʻi mauna ʻewalu mau lā ma waena o ka Presidential Range ma New Hampshire - kahi i hālāwai ai ʻo ia me nā poʻe i loaʻa iā ia nā mea he nui, me ke aloha i ka nui o waho, i like.

Ma hope mai, ua lawe ʻo ia i kahi hana no ka leʻaleʻa i ka hana ʻana i kekahi mau pō ma kahi hale kūʻai lole waho a me nā lole. ʻO ka hopena, ʻaʻole wale ʻo ia i hana i mau hoa hele wāwae hou (a loaʻa i kekahi mau uku hoʻemi nui ma ke kaʻa), akā ua launa pū ʻo ia me kahi mea i makemake i ka hoʻomoana hoʻoilo - a lilo ʻo ia i kāne nāna.

ʻO kou olakino: ʻO nā kumukūʻai o kahi ʻuhane mehameha

Pono nā wāhine a pau i nā hoaaloha a me nā mea aloha e hilinaʻi ai, e hilinaʻi ai, e ʻoluʻolu loa. Me ka ʻole o kēia mau pilina koʻikoʻi me nā poʻe ʻē aʻe, ʻaʻole ʻo ko mākou ʻuhane wale nō ka pilikia; e emi mai ana ko kakou ola kino.

Ua hōʻike ʻia ka noiʻi ʻana ʻoi aku ka liʻiliʻi o ka poʻe ma lalo o ʻehā a ʻeono mau pilina pili (me ka ʻohana, nā hoaaloha, nā hoa noho, nā hoa hana, a me nā mea ʻē aʻe) ʻelua ʻoi aku ka nui o ka loaʻa ʻana o ke anu a ʻehā mau manawa o ka loaʻa ʻana o ka puʻuwai.

ʻO kēia no ka mea hiki i ka loneli ke hoʻololi i nā kemika i loko o kou kino, e ʻoi aku ka maʻalahi o ka maʻi, wahi a Jeffrey Geller, MD, he mea noiʻi loneliness a me ka luna o ka lāʻau integrative ma ka Lawrence Family Practice Residency Program ma Lawrence, Mass. E wehe ke kino mehameha. nā hormones koʻikoʻi (e like me cortisol) e hoʻopau i ka ʻōnaehana pale.

"ʻO ka nele o ke kākoʻo kaiaulu ka makani e waiho ai i ke kanaka i ka pilikia no ka maʻi koʻikoʻi ma nā pae helu helu e like me ka puhi paka, ka momona a me ka nele o ka hoʻoikaika kino," wahi a Ronald Glaser, Ph.D., ke kaukaʻi o ka molecular virology, immunology and medical genetics ma Ohio. Hale Hōʻikeʻike Lapaʻau o ke Kulanui o Moku'āina.

Inā mehameha ʻoe, eia ka pilikia o kou kino - a me kou noʻonoʻo:

* E emi ana kou hiki ke pale aku i ka ma'i a me na ma'i e like me ke anu, ka influenza, ka eha anu, ka herpes a me na ma'i ma'i e ae.

* E ʻoi aku kou maʻalahi i ka maʻi bacteria a me ka maʻi kanesa paha.

* Ua ʻoi aku ka nui o kou pilikia i ke kaumaha.

* Ua ʻoi aku kou maʻalahi i ka hoʻohana ʻana i ka waiʻona a pepehi iā ʻoe iho.

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