9 Nā kaʻao hemo ʻole e hōʻoki i ka manaʻoʻiʻo ʻole

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Nui a hewahewa nā kaʻao e pili ana i ka hemo male i hoʻomau i ka maʻi i ko mākou kaiāulu. No nā mea hoʻomaka, ʻoiai nā mea a mākou i lohe ai, ʻaʻole 50 pakeneka ka helu o ka hemo ʻana. ʻO ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, ʻo kēlā helu ka mea i manaʻo ʻia ma muli o ka piʻi ʻana o ka nui o ka hemo ʻana i nā makahiki 1970 a me '80s.

ʻO ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, e like me kahi ʻāpana e ka Nu Ioka Manawa ʻo Kēkēmapa i hala iho nei, ke heleleʻi nei nā helu male male, ʻo ia hoʻi "hauʻoli mau loa" he manawa maikaʻi loa ia.

Ua kamaʻilio mākou me ka mea lapaʻau ʻo Susan Pease Gadoua a me ka mea kākau moʻolelo ʻo Vicki Larson, nā mea kākau o ka puke wehe maka. ʻO kaʻu hana hou: Hoʻololi hou i ka male no nā Skeptics, Realists and Rebels, e kiʻi i kā lākou lawe i ka male o kēia manawa, nā kaʻao e pili ana i ka hemo, a me nā mea i manaʻo ʻia a me nā mea i hiki mai me nā mea ʻelua. Eia kā Gadoua lāua ʻo Larson i haʻi mai ai iā mākou.

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1. Hoʻomaha hoʻokahi ma loko o ʻelua mau male i ka hemo male

E like me kaʻu i kākau ai ma luna, ua hoʻokumu ʻia kēlā 50 pakeneka helu ma kahi helu i manaʻo ʻia ua hala ka manawa. ʻO nā makahiki '70 he 40 mau makahiki aku nei, a he nui nā mea i loli mai ia manawa. ʻOiai ua piʻi ka nui o ka hemo ʻana i nā makahiki 1970 a me 1980, ua hāʻule maoli lākou i nā makahiki he 20 i hala.

ʻO ka New York Times ua loaʻa he 70 pākēneka o ka male i hana ʻia i nā makahiki 1990 i hōʻea maoli i ko lākou makahiki 15th makahiki male. Hōʻike pū ʻia nā helu helu, mahalo i ka poʻe e mare ana ma hope o ke ola, ke kōkua nei ke oʻo e mālama lōʻihi i ka poʻe. Ma ke ʻano o ka holo ʻana o nā mea, aia ka manawa kūpono e noho pū ai ʻelua hapakolu o nā male a ʻaʻole hiki ke hemo.

No laila inā ʻaʻole 50 pakeneka ka helu o ka hemo ʻana, he aha ia? Kaukaʻi ʻia ia i ka wā e male ai nā kāne, wehewehe ʻo Vicki. "Ma lalo o 15 pākēneka wale nō o ka poʻe i nakinaki i nā kaula i nā makahiki 2000 ua hemo, akā ʻo ka hapa nui o kēlā mau kāne ʻaʻole paha i loaʻa i kā lākou keiki keiki akā hoʻohui nā keiki i ke koʻikoʻi i ka male ʻana. male i ka 1960s a me ka '70s he oki mare ma ka 40-45 pakeneka laula. A me ka poe i mare i ka 1980s e kokoke ana i ka 50 pakeneka oki mare-ka mea i kapaia hina hina. "

2. Hoʻopilikia ka hemo ʻana i nā keiki

Wahi a Gadoua, hiki i ka haʻalele male ke koʻikoʻi i nā keiki, akā ʻaʻole nui pōʻino. He aha nā mea nui i hōʻino ʻia e hakakā ana nā mākua i mua o nā keiki.

"E noʻonoʻo e pili ana. ʻO wai ka mea makemake e hoʻopuni i ka hakakā i nā manawa a pau? He maʻi lele a ʻaʻohe o nā keiki i nā mea hana a i ʻole nā ​​​​pale e mālama ai i nā hoʻololi huhū mai ko lākou mau mākua, "wahi a Gadoua. "He nui ka noiʻi e hōʻike ana ʻo ka mea e pono ai nā keiki ma mua o nā mea āpau he wahi paʻa a maluhia. ʻO ia paha me nā mākua e noho pū ana, akā hiki nō ke hana i ka wā e noho kaʻawale ana nā mākua. ʻO ke kī ʻo ka noho ʻana o nā mākua. a noho mau no kā lākou poʻe keiki. ʻAʻole pono e hopu ʻia nā keiki i ka pahiali a nā mākua, hoʻohana ʻia e like me nā pawn, a mālama ʻia e like me ka wahine pani.

3. ʻO ka lua o ka male ʻana ma hope o ka hemo


ʻOiai he ʻoiaʻiʻo kēia, ʻo Living Apart Together (LAT) male a me nā mea e like me ka conscious uncoupling ke hoʻololi nei ma o ka hoʻopiʻi ʻana i nā kuʻuna maʻamau o ke ʻano o ka male ʻana a me ka hāʻawi ʻana i nā koho hou aʻe e hiki ai i ka poʻe male ke ola i ko lākou ola.

Paipai ʻo Gadoua lāua ʻo Larson i nā kāne e ʻimi pono i kēlā mau koho. "ʻO mākou āpau nāu e koho ana i kahi male LAT-a i ʻole e hāʻawi ana kekahi i kekahi i kahi i kāu male ʻana-no ka mea hāʻawi ia iā ʻoe a me kāu hoa pono i ka mea āu e makemake ai: ka pili a me ka pilina me ke kūʻokoʻa kūʻokoʻa e hōʻalo ai i ka claustrophobia e hele pinepine mai me ka noho pū ʻana. 24/7 a me nā mea āpau e lawe i nā poʻe he nui i kekahi i kekahi no ka mea, male a male paha.

4. Ua like ka oki mare me ka "hule"

Aʻole iki. Inā he male hoʻomaka (he male i hoʻopau ʻia i loko o ʻelima mau makahiki a ʻaʻole i loaʻa nā keiki) a i ʻole he male i kū i ka hoʻāʻo o ka manawa, ʻaʻole manaʻo ka hemo ʻana ua hāʻule ʻoe.

"ʻO ke ana wale nō a mākou e hoʻoholo ai inā kūleʻa ka male a ʻole ʻole e ka lōʻihi o ka lōʻihi. Eia nō naʻe, nui ka poʻe i ʻoi aku ke olakino, ke ola maikaʻi ma hope o ka hemo ʻana. Malia paha ua hānai nā kāne i nā keiki olakino i lele i ke koloka a makemake lākou e hele i kahi ala ʻokoʻa i loko o ko lākou ola. No ke aha he maikaʻi ʻole? E nānā iā Al a me Tipper Gore. Ke walaʻau nei ka poʻe media e waiho i ka hewa ma kekahi wahi, akā ʻaʻohe mea a ʻaʻohe mea e hewa ai. Pau wale kā lāua male ʻana. me kā lāua mau pōmaikaʻi ʻelua," wahi a Gadoua lāua ʻo Larson.

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5. Pili ka nui a me ke kumukūʻai i ka lōʻihi o ka male

Ma mua o kēia mahina ʻO ka New York Times hoʻopuka i kahi ʻāpana e pili ana i ka pilina ma waena o ka nui a me ke kumukūʻai o ka male ʻana a me kona hopena i ka lōʻihi o ka male ʻana. ʻOiai ʻo nā mea kākau o ka noiʻi, ʻo Andrew Francis-Tan lāua ʻo Hugo M. Mialon, i ʻōlelo ʻo nā uku no ka male a me ka lōʻihi o ka male ʻana hiki ke "hoʻopili kūlike ʻia," ʻaʻole hiki iā lākou ke kikoʻī i ka male hea, pipiʻi a kumu kūʻai ʻole paha, i loaʻa ka manawa kiʻekiʻe o ka hemo. .

Ua ʻae ʻo Gadoua lāua ʻo Larson, ma ke ʻano puni. ʻO nā lilo nui ma ke apo hoʻopaʻa a me ka mare ʻana e hoʻomaka ka male me ka nui o ka aie, ʻaʻohe mea e hoʻopilikia i nā kāne ma mua o ke kālā. . mahalo

6. Hiki iā ʻoe (a pono) ke hemo ke hōʻike i kāu male ʻana

E like me kā Larson i kākau ai i kahi ʻatikala no Divorce360, "ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻopaʻapaʻa-a i ʻole ka hōʻoia ʻana i ka male no ka mea ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻomalu i ka ʻano o kekahi, hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻomalu i kāu iho."

I ko mākou nīnau ʻana iā ia e pili ana i kēia kumuhana, wehewehe ʻo ia: "ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻomalu i ke ʻano o kāu hoa kāne a inā hiki iā ʻoe ke pilikia maoli! Hiki iā ʻoe ke lilo i ka wahine maikaʻi loa a hana i nā mea āpau a ka poʻe loea e ʻōlelo ai-mai ka launa ʻana i kāu wahine ʻo ka moekolohe nui a pinepine hoʻi i ke lilo i kākoʻo, mahalo i hoa hoa - a hoʻopau ʻia i ka hemo. "

Ua hoʻohui pū ʻo Larson ʻaʻole ʻoe e makemake e haʻalele-hōʻoia i kāu male, no ka mea, ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o ka olakino i kekahi manawa e hoʻokuʻu a neʻe i mua.

7. ʻO ka noho pū ʻana ma mua o ka male ʻana e hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ka manawa o ka hemo ʻana

Ua ʻōlelo pinepine ʻia ʻo ka poʻe e noho pū ana ma mua o ka male ʻana, ʻoi aku ka nui o ka hemo ʻana, akā ʻōlelo ʻia nā haʻawina hou ʻaʻole ʻoiaʻiʻo.

Ua ʻike ʻia kahi noiʻi ma 2014 e ke kumu polopeka ʻo Arielle Kuperberg mai ke Kulanui o North Carolina ma Greensboro, i kūʻē i nā kaʻao, ʻo ka noho pū ʻana a i ʻole ka noho pū ʻana ma mua o kou male ʻana ʻaʻohe mea e pili ana inā pau a pili paha ka hopena o ka male male. . Ma kāna noiʻi ʻana, ua ʻike ʻo Kuperberg i ke ʻano o ka hoʻoholo ʻana o kēia poʻe ʻōpio e noho pū, no ka mea, "ʻo ka noho ʻōpiopio ʻana ke kumu o ka hemo ʻana."

ʻO ka male ʻana o LAT ke hoʻolei nei i ka pilina ma waena o ka noho pū ʻana a me nā hopena i ka hemo ʻana. Ke koho nei nā kāne, ʻoi aku i nā ʻelemākule, e noho kaʻawale, akā mālama i ka mālama ʻana i kā lāua male male hauʻoli loa, olakino, a ola.

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8. ʻO ka hoʻomaloka ka mea e wāwahi ai i ka male.

ʻOiai he maʻalahi ke ʻōlelo aʻe ʻo ka moe kolohe ke kumu nui o ka pau ʻana o ka male, ʻaʻole pēlā ka hihia.

E like me Eric Anderson, he kālaimeaola ʻAmelika ma Ke Kulanui o Winchester o ʻEnelani a me ka mea kākau o ʻO ka Monogamy Gap: nā kāne, ke aloha, a me ka ʻoiaʻiʻo o ka hoʻopunipuni, i haʻi aku iā Larson, "ʻAʻole na ka hoʻomaloka i ka male ʻana; ʻo ia ka manaʻo kūpono ʻole e pono i ka male ke hoʻopaʻa i ka moekolohe e uhaʻi ai i ka male… Ua ʻike au i nā pilina lōʻihi i haki ʻia no ka mea ua moe kekahi ma waho o ka pilina. Akā ʻo ka manaʻo ʻana e hōʻino ʻia ʻaʻole ia kahi hopena kūlohelohe o ka moekolohe ma waho o ka pilina;

9. Inā hauʻoli ʻole ʻoe i kekahi manawa o kāu male ʻana, e haʻalele nō ʻoe

ʻAʻole maʻalahi ka male. He mea ia e koi ai i ka ikehu nui, ka hoʻomaopopo, a ʻo ka mea nui loa ke kamaʻilio. Ma muli wale o kou hauʻoli ʻole i kekahi manawa ʻaʻole ia he kumu no ka haʻalele ʻole ʻana i kēlā me kēia male-he palaka maikaʻi ʻole kā kēlā me kēia male.

Akā inā ʻoi aku ka pale maikaʻi ʻole ma mua o kahi pāʻā a ua hāʻawi maoli ʻoe i kāu āpau, me ke komo pū ʻana i ka ʻōlelo aʻoaʻo a nā kāne a hala nā mahina a i hoʻokahi makahiki ("ʻaʻole lawa nā ʻekolu a ʻehā mau kau paha," wahi a Gadoua), a laila paha manawa e hoopau ai. Eia naʻe, e hoʻomanaʻo, ʻaʻole pono ka pōʻino pōkole i ka hopena.

Ua ʻike ʻia kēia ʻatikala ma ke ʻano 9 Nā kaʻao kaʻawale he pono ʻoe e nānā ʻole (A He aha e hana ai ma kahi o) ma YourTango.com.

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