ʻO nā Hōʻulaʻula kūpono i kahi pilina e pono ai ʻoe e ʻike e pili ana

Anter

• Hiki i nā Hae ʻulaʻula ma kahi pilina
• Makemake lākou e loaʻa iā ʻoukou āpau iā lākou iho.
• ʻAʻole lākou e hoʻomanaʻo i nā hoʻomanaʻo hauʻoli o kāu pilina me ke aloha.
• ʻAʻole lākou e mālama iā lākou iho ke loaʻa ka waiwai.
• Ua oki ʻoe i ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa.
• ʻAʻole lākou makemake e kamaʻilio.
• Ua oki ʻoe i ka moekolohe ʻana - a ʻaʻole ʻoe e kamaʻilio e pili ana.
• Kamaʻilio mau lākou e pili ana i ka liʻiliʻi o kā lākou kālā - akā he poʻe lilo nui lākou.
• He aha e hana ai inā ʻike ʻoe i kahi Hae ʻulaʻula i kahi pilina
• Nānā no

Inā ʻoe i loko o kahi pilina ulu a i ʻole kahi pilina paʻa, hiki i kāu mau hoaaloha maikaʻi, palekana a me nā lālā o ka ʻohana ke wikiwiki e kāhea aku i kāu boo "nā hae ʻulaʻula." I ko lākou mau maka, ka hōʻole ʻana o kāu fling hou e holoi i kā lākou mau pale ma mua o hoʻokahi manawa i ka mahina a i ʻole ka paʻakikī o kāu hoa e paʻa ana i kahi hana he mau hōʻailona maopopo paha ia e pono ʻoe e hāʻule i nā mea āpau a hoʻopau i ka pili, stat.

Akā ʻike ʻole ʻia nā ʻano hae ʻulaʻula i kumu e hoʻokaʻawale ai, wahi a Rachel Wright, MA, LMFF, he psychotherapist, ka laikini male a me ka ʻohana therapist, a me ka wahine a me ka loea pili. "ʻO kahi hae ʻulaʻula hiki ke lilo [he mea hōʻailona] ʻo ia kekahi mea ma waho wale nō - ʻaʻole pono ka hae ʻulaʻula āu e holo ai i kahi ala ʻē aʻe," i ʻōlelo ʻo ia. ʻO ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, ʻo ka hae ʻulaʻula - ʻo ia hoʻi kahi pilikia i kēia manawa - hiki ke lilo i manawa kūpono e ulu ai, hoʻohui ʻo Jess O'Reilly, Ph.D., he kanaka sexologist ma Toronto a me ka mea hoʻokipa o ka ʻO ka moekolohe me Dr. Jess podcast. "Hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻohana iā lākou e hana ma ke kamaʻilio, pili, a i ʻole ka pilina holoʻokoʻa," wehewehe ʻo ia. (FTR, ʻokoʻa ka lawena hoʻomāinoino a me nā kūlana, i ʻōlelo ʻo O'Reilly. Inā manaʻo ʻoe aia ʻoe i kahi pilina kolohe a ʻike paha ʻoe i nā hōʻailona laha - e like me ka pale ʻana o kāu hoa iā ʻoe mai ka hoʻoholo ʻana i kāu hoʻoholo ponoʻī, ka kaohi ʻana i nā kālā āpau me ka ʻole. kūkākūkā, hoʻoweliweli iā ʻoe, a i ʻole kaomi ʻana iā ʻoe e moekolohe, hoʻohana i nā lāʻau, a i ʻole inu i ka ʻona - e kāhea aku i ka National Domestic Violence Hotline no ke kōkua.)

ʻO ka mea hou aku, ʻokoʻa ka manaʻo o kēlā me kēia e pili ana i ka hae ʻulaʻula i ka pilina. No ka laʻana, ʻokoʻa paha ka manaʻo o kahi kanaka monogamous i ka hae ʻulaʻula ma mua o ka mea polyamorous, wehewehe ʻo ia. "ʻAʻole lākou ma ke ao holoʻokoʻa, a he mea ʻole inā manaʻo kekahi ʻē aʻe he hae ʻulaʻula ke maikaʻi me ʻoe."

Eia nō naʻe, aia kekahi mau hae ʻulaʻula āpau i hiki ke lilo i kumu no ka hopohopo a i ʻole ke kumu e loiloi hou ai i kou pili - ʻaʻole wale no nā mea pili, nā mele Fairytale e like me kā Taylor Swift e mele ai. Hoʻomaopopo ʻo Wright lāua ʻo O'Reilly hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻike i nā hae ʻulaʻula i kēlā me kēia ʻano o ka pilina, e like me nā mea me nā hoaaloha, nā ʻohana, nā hoapili, a me nā mea hou aʻe. Maʻaneʻi, hāʻawi ʻo Wright lāua ʻo O'Reilly i nā hae ʻulaʻula i kahi pilina (ma ke ʻano he aloha) a he mea kūpono paha ke nānā aku, a ʻo ka mea nui aʻe, ka mea e hana ai inā ʻike ʻoe i kekahi o lākou. Spoiler: Mai hoʻolei koke i ke kāwele. (E pili pū ana: Pehea e hana ai me kahi hoaaloha hoʻokahi ʻaoʻao)

Hiki i nā Hae ʻulaʻula ma kahi pilina

Makemake lākou e loaʻa iā ʻoukou āpau iā lākou iho.

Inā kūhewa nui kāu hoa i kāu mau hoaaloha a me kou ʻohana, e hoʻāʻo e hoʻokuke i kahi pā i waena ou a me kāu mau hoa pili, a i ʻole e hoʻāʻo e hōʻoki iā ʻoe mai kāu pōʻai kaiāulu, he kumu hopohopo paha kā lākou hana, wahi a O'Reilly. "Kuhi paha lākou ua aloha nui lākou iā ʻoe a ke hoʻāʻo nei lākou e pale aku iā ʻoe, [a i ʻole] ʻōlelo paha ʻoe ua maikaʻi loa ʻoe no kekahi mea ʻē aʻe," hoʻohui ʻo ia. "E noʻonoʻo pono i kahi hoa kaohi hiki ke ʻike i kā lākou hoʻāʻo e hoʻokaʻawale iā ʻoe e like me ke aloha i kapa ʻia." Hiki i kēia mau hana hoʻokaʻawale ke hae ʻulaʻula nui i loko o ka pilina, no ka mea, ma mua o ka hana hoʻomāinoino ma ke alanui, e like me ka kaohi ʻana i ka hana a kāu hoa, kahi a lākou e ʻike ai a kamaʻilio pū ai, ma hea lākou e hele ai - a me ka hoʻohana ʻana i ka lili e hōʻoia i nā mea āpau. . ʻO kēia nā hana a pau e hiki ai i kahi hoa hana hoʻomāinoino ke hoʻohana i ka mālama ʻana i kā lākou mea i hōʻeha ʻia i kahi pilina, e like me ka National Domestic Violence Hotline. (BTW, hoʻokahi wale nō hōʻailona paha ʻoe i loko o kahi pilina ʻawaʻawa.)

ʻAʻole lākou e hoʻomanaʻo i nā hoʻomanaʻo hauʻoli o kāu pilina me ke aloha.

Ke hoʻi hou kāu hoa i kahi manawa hauʻoli e hiki ke huki pololei ʻia mai kahi rom-com a i ʻole lā hauʻoli e like me kāu male, hoʻomanaʻo paha lākou me ke aloha a me ka ʻawaʻawa a kanikau paha? Inā kolohe ʻia kēlā mau mea hoʻomanaʻo hauʻoli ma mua iā lākou, hiki i ka hae ʻulaʻula i kūpono ʻole kekahi mea i ka pilina. Kāhea paha kou naʻau e kāhea koke aku ia mea, keu hoʻi inā ʻaʻole i loko o kou puʻuwai ka SO, akā ʻo ka mea mua, "makemake paha ʻoe e kamaʻilio e pili ana i kou ʻano i loko o ka pilina," wahi a ʻO ' ʻO Reilly. "ʻAʻole ia he manaʻo no ka luku ʻia o ka pilina, akā koi ʻia paha kekahi mau ala hou [ʻo ia hoʻi ʻo ka hoʻomaʻamaʻa ʻana o nā kāne]."

ʻAʻole lākou e mālama iā lākou iho ke loaʻa ka waiwai.

He hōʻailona paha kēia hae ʻulaʻula i loko o kahi pilina i kāu S.O. waiwai ʻole iā lākou iho, wahi a Wright. "A ʻo ia kahi mea i hiki ke piʻi aʻe ma hope ma ke ʻano he mea i hoʻolālā ʻia a me kahi pilikia pili." ʻO kā kāu boo hoʻoholo e haʻalele i kā lākou mau kauka kauka a i ʻole ʻaʻole e palaki i ko lākou niho i kēlā me kēia pō hiki ke hōʻike ʻaʻole lākou e waiwai i ko lākou olakino e like me ʻoe. a inā ʻaʻole ia kahi mea āu e makemake ai e kūkā kamaʻilio a ʻae (a i ʻole hoʻohiki paha), e hoʻonāukiuki paha ia i kāu hoa i lalo o ka laina. nā pilikia olakino, e like me ke kaumaha, e like me ka National Alliance on Mental Illness o Kenosha County. Unuhi: ʻo ka hae ʻulaʻula i kapa ʻia ʻaʻole ia he kumu e wāwahi ai ʻoe, akā e hoʻomaka i kahi kamaʻilio kūkākūkā me lākou e pili ana i nā pilikia pilikino a lākou e ʻike nei. (Related: E kali, ua lele anei ka ma'i a me ka honi ma o ka honi?!)

Ua oki ʻoe i ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa.

Me he mea lā ʻaʻole hakakā maoli a maikaʻi loa mea (a, i kekahi mau hihia, hiki iā ia), akā ke pale nei i nā paio no ka mea ua haʻalele loa ʻoe i ke kamaʻilio ʻana e pili ana i nā pilikia koʻikoʻi he hae ʻulaʻula ia i loko o kahi pilina, wahi a O'Reilly. I mea e hoʻoholo ai inā ʻo kou nele i ka hakakā paha he ʻāpana ia o kahi pilikia nui aʻe, manaʻo ʻo O'Reilly e nīnau iā ʻoe iho i kēia mau nīnau:

• Ke pale nei ʻoe i ke kamaʻilio ʻana e pili ana i nā pilikia nui a ʻae iā lākou e mānoanoa, a i ʻole koho wale ʻoe i kāu mau kaua a hoʻokuʻu i nā mea liʻiliʻi e heʻe?
• Ua hōʻoki anei ʻoe i ka hana ʻana no ka mea ʻaʻole ʻoe e mālama hou, a i ʻole ʻae wale ʻoe e ʻae ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻonā i kēlā me kēia pilikia.
• Ua haʻalele paha ʻoe i ke kamaʻilio ʻana e pili ana i nā pilikia wela no kou manaʻo ʻaʻole hoʻolohe a mahalo paha kāu hoa i kou manaʻo?

E hoʻomanaʻo wale, "he mea koʻikoʻi ka ʻatikala, ʻo ia ke kumu ʻaʻole mau ke ao holoʻokoʻa nā hae ʻulaʻula," wahi āna. No ka laʻana, inā hakakā ʻoe a me kāu hoa no hoʻokahi pule e pili ana i ke ala "maikaʻi" e hoʻouka ai i ka mīkini holoi kīʻaha akā ʻaʻole hiki ke hoʻoholo i ka pilikia, hoʻokuʻu i ka ʻae ʻole, e ʻae iā lākou e hoʻonohonoho i nā papa lepo e like me ko lākou makemake, a ma kahi o ka nānā ʻana. ma ka mea nui maoli (e laʻa me kāu kālā, kāu hoʻonaʻauao, etc.) hiki ke lilo i mea maikaʻi.

ʻAʻole lākou makemake e kamaʻilio.

Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e ʻae e pahee i ka wā e pupuhi aku ai kāu BFF iā ʻoe a nānā ʻole i kāu mau leka i nā lā ma hope, no ke aha ʻoe e hoʻomanawanui ai i kāu pilina aloha? "Inā he mea nui loa ia iā ʻoe e pili me kahi mea hiki ke kamaʻilio pū me ʻoe, akā ke paʻa nei lākou a ʻaʻole kamaʻilio pū, a laila he hae ʻulaʻula nui kēlā," wahi a Wright.

Hoʻomanaʻo: No ka maikaʻi o kou ʻike i kāu hoa, ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke heluhelu i ko lākou noʻonoʻo, a me ka ʻole o ke kamaʻilio hāmama a me ka pololei e pili ana i nā makemake, nā pono, a me nā mea i manaʻo ʻia, nā manaʻo hewa ʻole a me nā hoʻopaʻapaʻa e ulu pinepine ana. Eia kekahi, ʻo ke kamaʻilio maikaʻi ʻole ke kumu maʻamau e ʻimi ai nā kāne i ka therapy a ua manaʻo ʻia ka hopena maikaʻi loa o ka pilina, e like me kahi noiʻi i paʻi ʻia i loko o ka Pai no ka male ʻana a me ka ʻohana.

Ua oki ʻoe i ka moekolohe ʻana - a ʻaʻole ʻoe e kamaʻilio e pili ana.

ʻO ka mea mua, ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi e hoʻomaha i kāu mau hana ma waena o nā pepa, wahi a O'Reilly. "Ua hauʻoli kekahi poʻe e hoʻomaha, akā no kekahi poʻe, he kumu ia o ka haunaele a me ka hakakā," wehewehe ʻo ia. Inā ʻoe a me kāu hoa e hāʻule i ka hui hope a ke hoʻohālikelike nei ʻolua ʻo NBD ia, hiki ke hoʻonāukiuki i ka manawa a hoʻopuka i ka laina, e like me ka hiki ʻole i ka hakakā maikaʻi. (E hoʻohana i kēia mau ʻōlelo aʻoaʻo e kamaʻilio ai me kāu hoa e pili ana i ka makemake i ka moekolohe.)

Kamaʻilio mau lākou e pili ana i ka liʻiliʻi o kā lākou kālā - akā he poʻe lilo nui lākou.

ʻO kēia hae ʻulaʻula hiki i ka pilina ke iho i lalo i kahi hoʻokaʻawale ma waena o ka mea a kāu hoa e ʻōlelo nei a me ko lākou ʻano. Akā ke ʻike mua ʻoe iā ia, he mea nui e nānā i kā lākou mau hana me ke aloha, wahi a Wright. "He mea hilahila paha ke kanaka," wahi āna. "Malia paha ua uku lākou i kahi bila lapaʻau nui a ke hopohopo nei lākou i kēia manawa. ʻAʻole mākou i ʻike i ka mea e hana nei, no laila ʻo ia ke kumu i kono ʻia ai kahi hae ʻulaʻula e kamaʻilio, ʻaʻole kumu e holo ai. " Inā loaʻa iā ʻoe kēlā convo a ʻike inā ʻaʻohe manaʻo o kāu hoa o ka hoʻokele kālā a ʻaʻole hoʻolālā i ka hana ʻana i nā ʻanuʻu e hoʻomaikaʻi ai i kā lākou hoʻolilo kālā ʻana, a laila ʻike paha ʻoe ʻaʻole pili ka pili iā ʻoe, hoʻohui ʻo ia.

He aha e hana ai inā ʻike ʻoe i kahi Hae ʻulaʻula i kahi pilina

Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e hui pū, ʻaʻole pono ʻoe e hele i waho o ka puka i ka lua āu e ʻike ai i kahi hae ʻulaʻula hiki i kou pilina. ʻO ka mua, e nīnau iā ʻoe iho pehea kou manaʻo a noʻonoʻo iā ia: "Pehea kou manaʻo i kā lākou ʻano? He aha kāu makemake? He mea nui kēia pilikia iā ʻoe? wahi a O'Reilly.

A laila, inā he palekana a ʻoluʻolu hoʻi ʻoe e hana pēlā, e haʻi mālie iā ia me kāu hoa ma ke ʻano he aloha, ʻoluʻolu, a hoihoi - ʻaʻole kūʻē, wahi a Wright. No ka laʻana, ma kahi o ka ʻōlelo ʻoi aku, "ʻAʻole ʻoe e palaki i kou mau niho i ka pō a pili iaʻu," ʻōlelo mai ʻo Wright, "Ua hopohopo wau no ka mea ʻaʻole ʻoe e palaki i kou mau niho i ka hapa nui o nā pō, no ka mea he aha ia mea iaʻu. ʻAʻole ʻoe e noʻonoʻo iā ʻoe iho, a makemake wau e kamaʻilio e pili ana iā ia. E hāmama ʻoe i kēlā mea?

"E hoʻopono e pili ana i kou mau manaʻo nawaliwali - e laʻa me ka makaʻu, ka palekana, a me ke kaumaha," i hoʻohui ai ʻo O'Reilly. "Hiki ke hoʻoponopono hou i nā pilina i nā manawa he nui, akā inā hūnā ʻoe i kou mau manaʻo maoli (e laʻa me ka haʻalele ʻana e hōʻalo i ka manaʻo palupalu), e hoʻonui paha ʻoe i ka pilikia." E noʻonoʻo e pili ana i kēia ala: Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e hōʻike i kāu hoa i ke ʻano o kā lākou, e ʻōlelo, ʻaʻohe o ke kamaʻilio ʻana e ʻike ai ʻoe a no ke aha ʻo ia ka hihia, ʻaʻole paha ʻoe ma ka ʻaoʻao like e pili ana i ka ʻumeumaha o ka pilikia - a pēlā pilikia e hoʻoponopono piha iā ia. (E nānā hou: Pehea e kūkulu ai i ka pilina me kāu hoa)

Mai laila, hiki iā ʻolua ke hoʻoholo inā he hae ka ʻulaʻula kahi mea hiki iā ʻoe ke lanakila a hoʻokele pū a i ʻole inā he hōʻailona ia e pono ai ʻoe e loiloi hou i kāu pilina. A inā ʻaʻole ʻoe maopopo loa, e noʻonoʻo e ʻike i ke kākāʻōlelo ʻoihana a i ʻole ka lāʻau lapaʻau e hiki ke kōkua iā ʻoe e hoʻoponopono i nā pilikia, wahi a O'Reilly. Nānā ʻole i ka pilikia, e ʻike he maʻalahi ʻole kēia mau kamaʻilio - akā maikaʻi kēlā. "He mea hōʻoluʻolu ʻole ia, a ʻo ka hōʻoluʻolu ʻaʻole ia he manaʻo maikaʻi ʻole," wahi a Wright. "Pēlā mākou e ulu ai. Ulu wale mākou i ka manawa ʻoluʻolu ʻole mākou. Kākaʻikahi loa ka ulu ʻana mai ke kūlana."

Nānā no