E neʻe pū ana i ka neʻe pū ʻana i kāu pilina?

Anter

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Ma mua o ko māua male ʻana, ua kau inoa wau me kaʻu kāne no ka mea e like me ka hui ma mua o ka male ma mua o ka male male - kahi lā ma ka lā seminar e pili ana i nā mea huna o ka hui ʻoluʻolu, piha me nā hana hoʻomalu hakakā a me nā ʻōlelo aʻoaʻo wahine. Ua like wau e like me ka haumāna hōkū i loko o ka lumi - ma hope o nā mea āpau, he hoʻoponopono hoʻoponopono wahine wau-a hoʻomaka kā mākou kumu aʻo i nā pilikia o ka noho pū ʻana ma mua o ka ʻōlelo ʻana. "Hana wau." ʻO kāna hōʻike: he mau makahiki he mau makahiki i hōʻike ʻia e hōʻike ana he mau kāne male ka mea i noho ma mua o ka male ʻana. Ua nānā maka ʻole wau a puni ka lumi, me ka manaʻo e ʻike i nā poʻe ʻē aʻe me ka hewa i ʻike ʻia ua ʻike ʻia wau i ka helehelena.

Ua neʻe pū māua me kaʻu kāne i ʻekolu mahina ma mua o ka hoʻopaʻa ʻana. A inā ʻoe e kamaʻilio me ka poʻe ʻepekema e noiʻi nei i ka noho ʻana, ua hana mākou no nā kumu hewa: Ua luhi wau i ka hoʻokele ʻana i nā minuke he iwakālua i kona wahi, ua loaʻa i koʻu hale keʻena nā moe moe, a ua hoʻopakele au ma kahi o hoʻokahi kaukani kālā i ka mahina. . ʻO ia hoʻi, ʻaʻole mākou i hana no ka mea ʻaʻole hiki iā mākou ke hoʻomanawanui ke kaʻawale ʻana no 90 mau lā.

ʻO kā mākou mea e hana nei no mākou: ua paʻa mua. ʻAʻole mākou e kaʻana like i kahi ʻōlelo ma ke ʻano he ala e hoʻāʻo ai i kā mākou pilina - ʻo ia hoʻi, e like me kā Scott Stanley, Ph.D., ka luna hoʻomalu o ke Kulanui o Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies - ʻo ia ke kumu ʻino loa o ka shack. i luna "ʻO ke kumu [no ka noho pū ʻana] he mea nui maoli nō ia," pēlā ʻo ia. Ma kahi haʻawina i ka makahiki 2009, ua ʻike kāna hui ʻo ka poʻe i neʻe pū ma ke ʻano he "mare hoʻāʻo" ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o ka kamaʻilio, haʻahaʻa haʻahaʻa o ka hoʻolaʻa ʻana, a emi ʻole ka hilinaʻi i ka ikaika o kā lākou paʻa.

ʻO kahi wahi paʻa loa: Ke neʻe pū ʻoe i loko-a ʻaʻole ʻoe ma ke ala e mare ai-ke ʻike nei ʻoe i ka mea e hoʻomaʻemaʻe i nā halepaku a pehea e puʻunaue ai i kāu hoʻolimalima, ʻoiai e hoʻoholo pū ana inā ʻoe i loko. no ka manawa lōʻihi, wahi a Stanley. ʻO ka maʻa mau, ʻaʻole pono nā kāne e hoʻokaʻawale i nā hana a hiki i ka pili ʻana - akā i kēia hihia, ke hoʻokele nei ʻoe i ʻelua mau pahu nui i ka manawa like, me ka ʻole o ka hōʻoia o ke apo ma kou manamana lima.

Inā ʻaʻole hauʻoli ka noho pū ʻana e like me ka mea i manaʻo ʻia, ʻo ka hoʻonā ʻike ʻia ʻo ka hemo wale ʻana. ʻO ka pilikia, he paʻakikī ke hana. "He nui ka poʻe e manaʻoʻiʻo ana ʻo ka noho pū ʻana ma mua e hiki ke hoʻoikaika i ka male," wahi a Anita Jose, Ph.D., he kauka psychologist ma Montefiore Medical Center. "Eia nō naʻe, ke noho pū nei ka manaʻo o ka poʻe e kaʻana like i nā holoholona, ​​nā mōlaki, nā hoʻolimalima, a me nā mea hana ʻē aʻe e paʻakikī ai e hoʻopau i kahi pilina i pau paha i ka ʻole."

ʻO ka hopena maʻamau loa? Noho mau nā kāne ʻoluʻolu ʻole ma lalo o ka hale hoʻokahi a i ka hopena, male paha lākou, no ka mea he mea kūpono ia e hana ai ma hope o ʻelima mau makahiki o ka noho pū ʻana. He inoa ko Stanley no kēia hanana: "sliding versus deciding."

ʻOiai kēia mau hopena weliweli, aia kekahi mau noiʻi hou e hōʻike nei i ka noho pū ʻana ʻaʻole maikaʻi āpau-e hele wale kekahi mau kāne noho cohabiting e like me ka poʻe i kaʻana like ʻole i kahi moena a ʻōlelo lākou, "Pēlā wau." ʻO kahi noiʻi Australia, paʻi ʻia i ka Pai no ka male ʻana a me ka ʻohana, ʻoiai ua ʻike ʻo ka noho pū ʻana ma mua o ka male ʻana e hōʻemi i ka pilikia o ka kaʻawale. Hoʻokahi wehewehe: Ke koho ka hapa nui o nā kāne male ʻole ma kahi ʻāina e noho pū, e hoʻomaka ana nā hopena maikaʻi ʻole e nalowale. "ʻO ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa, ʻaʻole loa e makaʻu ka noho ʻana inā ʻae ʻia ia-ʻaʻole ia e noho pū ana e hōʻino i nā kāne. ʻO ia ka stigma o ka noho pū ʻana. Nānā ka poʻe iā lākou," wahi a Stanley.

ʻO ia i ʻōlelo ʻia, noʻonoʻo mau ʻo ia i nā hakakā e pili ana i ka noho pū ʻana-a i ʻole ka nele o ia mea-e hoʻolapalapa i ka hoʻokō. "ʻAʻole haʻi ʻo Cohabitation iā ʻoe i kekahi mea e pili ana i ke kūpaʻa ʻana o nā kāne," wahi āna. "Akā inā pili lākou a hoʻolālā paha i kahi wā e hiki mai ana-ʻaʻole pono ia he male-e haʻi iā ʻoe i kahi tona e pili ana i ka wahine." I nā huaʻōlelo ʻē aʻe, inā ua noʻonoʻo ʻoe i kou wā e hiki mai ana, ʻo ka neʻe ʻana i loko ʻaʻole e hōʻeha i kou kūlana o ka male kūleʻa. Hōʻike mau nā haʻawina i nā kāne i noho pū e noho leʻaleʻa i nā pono like-leʻaleʻa, kūpaʻa, ʻoi aku ka hakakā-e like me ka poʻe e kali a hiki i ka neʻe ʻana o ka male.

No laila pehea e hiki ai iā ʻoe ke ʻike ʻo ʻoe kekahi o nā cohabiters e lilo i hope hauʻoli. "ʻOi aku ma mua o 50 pakeneka o nā kāne e neʻe nei ʻaʻole kamaʻilio e pili ana i ke ʻano o ia mea," wahi a Stanley. "Hui pū ʻoe i ʻehā mau pō i ka pule, a laila ʻelima, a waiho i kahi lole keu, kahi palaki niho, kahi pā iPhone. A laila ua pau ka hoʻolimalima a kahi mea e noho pū ana ʻoe. ʻAʻohe kūkā, ʻaʻohe hoʻoholo." No ke aha ʻino ia: He ʻokoʻa loa paha kāu mau manaʻo, i hiki ai ke hoʻonohonoho iā ʻoe no ka hoka, wahi a Jose. Ma mua o kou kau inoa ʻana i kahi hoʻolimalima, e haʻi pololei i kou manaʻo i ke ʻano o ka neʻe ʻana: Ke ʻike nei ʻoe i kēia he ʻanuʻu i ke kuahu-a i ʻole he ala e mālama ai i ke kālā? A laila e noi i kāu kāne e hana like. Inā he mau manaʻo ʻē aʻe kāu, e noʻonoʻo hou e kaʻana like i kahi ʻōlelo, wahi a Stanley. A ma mua o ka lawe ʻana i ka poho, hoʻoholo i ka mea nāna e hana i nā hana a pehea ʻoe e lawelawe ai i kāu kuleana kālā, wahi a Stanley. ʻO kēlā manawa pilikia ke lawe mai ka waiter i kāu leka? ("E uku au i ka hapalua?") E ʻike ʻoe i kēlā mau manawa he ʻumi ke hiki mai ka pila uila mua-a ʻaʻole ʻoe i hoʻoholo i ka mea nāna e uku.

ʻO wau-ʻo kahi cohabiter mua nāna i hana i nā mea hapa hapa, hapa hapa, i nā maka o ka poʻe loea? Hoʻokahi makahiki a me 112 lā ma ka male ʻana (ʻae, ke helu nei au), hiki iaʻu ke haʻi hauʻoli ʻaʻole i lilo wau me kaʻu kāne i hoʻokahi o nā helu i aʻo ʻia iā mākou ma kā mākou papa ma mua o ka male. Ua ola mākou, a ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi, ua holomua mākou. I ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, ma hope o ka moemoeā, ua ʻike wau ua hiki iā mākou ke leʻaleʻa wale i kā mākou male hou, me ka ʻole e ʻike i ka mea nona ka hana e ʻūlū i ka pahu ʻōpala (kāna, BTW). Ua hoʻokaʻawale ʻia nā kinks o ko mākou noho like ʻana, a waiho wale iā mākou e hauʻoli i kā mākou hauʻoli male.

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