He ʻoiaʻiʻo nā aloha aloha kolohe. Eia pehea e hoʻomaopopo ai aia ʻoe i hoʻokahi

Anter

• Ua lilo wikiwiki mākou i mau hoaaloha maikaʻi, a ma nā wahi āpau aʻu e hele ai, ua hana pū kekahi lākou.
• Me he mea lā e hoʻāʻo ʻia ana kuʻu kūpaʻa a ua holo pono ʻole wau.
• I ka mua, hoʻomau wau i ka ʻae ʻana no lākou. Ua hopohopo wau no lākou.
• ʻOiai ke waiho nei ke kūlana i ka manaʻo he manaʻolana ʻole, aia kekahi mau ala i waho a me nā ʻanuʻu ʻokoʻa i hiki i kekahi ke hana i ka hoʻāʻo ʻana e haʻalele i kahi aloha aloha kolohe.
• Ua lōʻihi koʻu hoʻomaopopo ʻana i ka mea aʻu e ʻike nei he hoʻomāinoino.
• He paʻakikī ka hoʻokele ʻana i nā hoa aloha hōʻino, ʻoiai ke hiki ʻole iā ʻoe ke ʻike i nā hōʻailona hōʻailona.

Pono ʻoe e palekana me kāu mau hoaaloha.

Ke kamaʻilio ka poʻe e pili ana i nā pilina hoʻomāinoino i ka pāpāho a i ʻole me kā lākou mau hoaaloha, pinepine ma mua o ka ʻole, ke kuhikuhi nei lākou i nā pilina aloha a i ʻole nā ​​pilina ʻohana.

ʻOiai i ka wā ma mua, ua ʻike wau i nā ʻano ʻelua o ka hana ʻino, ʻokoʻa kēia manawa.

A inā hiki iaʻu ke ʻoiaʻiʻo, he mea ia ʻaʻole wau i mākaukau mua no ka manawa mua: Ma ka lima o kekahi o kaʻu mau hoaaloha maikaʻi loa.

Hoʻomaopopo wau i ka manawa mua a mākou i hui ai, e like me nehinei. Ke kūʻai aku nei mākou i nā tweet witty me kekahi ma Twitter, a ua haʻi lākou he peʻa lākou i kaʻu hana kākau.

Aia ma 2011, a ma Toronto, nui nā hālāwai Twitter (a i ʻole ke kuhikuhi pinepine ʻia iā lākou ma ka pūnaewele "tweet-ups"), no laila ʻaʻole wau i noʻonoʻo nui i ia mea. Ua iho wau i lalo e hana i kahi hoaaloha hou, no laila ua hoʻoholo mākou e hui pū no ke kofe i kekahi lā.

I ko mākou hui ʻana, ʻane like me ka hele ʻana i ka lā mua. Inā ʻaʻole i holo pono, ʻaʻohe mea ʻino, ʻaʻohe pelapela. Akā ua kaomi koke mākou a lilo i mānoanoa e like me nā ʻaihue - {textend} inu ʻōmole waina i ka pāka, e hana ana i nā mea ʻai na kekahi, a me ka hele pū ʻana i nā ʻahamele.

Ua lilo wikiwiki mākou i mau hoaaloha maikaʻi, a ma nā wahi āpau aʻu e hele ai, ua hana pū kekahi lākou.

I ka mua, maikaʻi loa kā mākou pilina. Ua loaʻa iaʻu kahi kanaka aʻu i ʻoluʻolu ai, a nāna i hāʻawi i nā ʻāpana āpau o koʻu ola i kahi ʻano kūpono.

Akā ke hoʻomaka mākou e kaʻana like i nā ʻāpana nāwaliwali o kā mākou iho, ua loli nā mea.

Ua hoʻomaka wau e ʻike i ka pinepine o ka wahī ʻia ʻana i loko o kahi pōʻaiapuni o nā hana keaka me nā poʻe o kā mākou kaiaulu like. I ka mua, ua huki wau iā ia. Akā ua manaʻo wau me he mea lā e ukali ana ka hana keaka iā mākou ma nā wahi āpau a mākou e hele ai, a i koʻu hoʻāʻo ʻana e noho ma laila no lākou a kākoʻo iā lākou, ua hoʻomaka ia e lawe i koʻu ola noʻonoʻo.

I kekahi awakea iā mākou e hele nei i kahi Starbucks kūloko, ua hoʻomaka lākou e hoʻomāʻewaʻewa i kahi hoa pili pili, e hoʻāʻo ana iaʻu e "ʻano ʻoi loa ka maikaʻi." Akā i kaomi ʻana i nā kikoʻī, ʻōlelo lākou he "mea hoʻonāukiuki" wale nō ia a "hoʻāʻo."

Baffled, ua wehewehe wau iā lākou ʻaʻole wau i manaʻo pēlā - {textend} a ʻaneʻane hōʻeha loa, ua ʻōwili wale ko lākou mau maka iaʻu.

Me he mea lā e hoʻāʻo ʻia ana kuʻu kūpaʻa a ua holo pono ʻole wau.

ʻO Kauka Stephanie Sarkis, he psychotherapist a he loea i ke olakino noʻonoʻo i kaʻana ʻia i ka ninaninau ʻana me Refin 29, ʻo "Gaslighters he ʻōlelo kūamuamu weliweli."

Ke hoʻomaka nei ka holomua o kā mākou pilina, hoʻomaka koke wau e ʻike he ʻoiaʻiʻo kēia.

I kēlā me kēia mahina, hui pū kā mākou hui o nā hoa aloha a hoʻopaʻa paʻa i nā meaʻai ono. Hele paha mākou i nā hale ʻaina ʻokoʻa, a kuke paha i kekahi no kekahi. I kēia pō e nīnau ʻia nei, ua hele aku kahi hui o 5 o mākou i kahi hale ʻaina Kina kaulana i ʻike ʻia no kāna dumplings.

ʻOiai mākou e ʻakaʻaka ana a kaʻana like ana i nā pā, hoʻomaka kēia hoa aloha e wehewehe i ka hui - {textend} i nā kikoʻī kikoʻī - {textend} mau mea aʻu i kaʻana aku ai iā lākou e pili ana i kaʻu hoa pili ma ka hilinaʻi.

ʻOiai ʻike ka poʻe ua pili wau i kēia kanaka, ʻaʻole lākou i ʻike i nā kikoʻī o kā mākou pili, a ʻaʻole wau mākaukau e kaʻana. ʻAʻole wau i manaʻo e ninini ʻia lākou i ke koena o ka hui i kēlā lā.

ʻAʻole wau i hoʻohilahila wale ʻia - {textend} ʻike wau i ka kumakaia.

Ua noʻonoʻo wau iaʻu iho a haʻalele iaʻu me ka noʻonoʻo, "He aha ka mea a kēia kanaka e ʻōlelo nei e pili ana iaʻu ke ʻaʻole wau ma kahi kokoke? He aha ka poʻe ʻē aʻe i ʻike e pili ana iaʻu? ”

Ua haʻi mai lākou iaʻu i ke kumu o ka kaʻana like ʻana i kēlā moʻolelo no ka mea e kamaʻilio ana kā kāua hoa aloha iā ia ... akā ʻaʻole hiki iā lākou ke noi no kaʻu ʻae mua?

I ka mua, hoʻomau wau i ka ʻae ʻana no lākou. Ua hopohopo wau no lākou.

ʻAʻole wau i ʻike ʻo ka mea e hana nei ke hoʻomālamalama ʻana a i ʻole ka hoʻomāinoino ʻana i ka naʻau.

Wahi a 2013, ʻōpio a me nā wahine ma waena o 20 a 35 mau makahiki ka mea maʻamau i hōʻeha ʻia i ka manaʻo hoʻomāinoino. Hiki i kēia ke hoʻopili i nā mea āpau mai ka hōʻeha waha, ka noho aliʻi, kaohi, ka hoʻokaʻawale ʻana, ka hoʻomāʻewaʻewa, a me ka hoʻohana ʻana i ka ʻike pili no ka hoʻohaʻahaʻa.

ʻOi aku ka nui ma mua o ka ʻole, hiki i ka poʻe a mākou e launa pū nei me ka launa pū ʻana me nā hoa aloha.

Ua hōʻike ʻia nā helu helu no 8 pākēneka o ka poʻe i ʻike i ka hoʻomāinoino waha a i ʻole kino, hoʻololi pinepine ka mea hoʻomake i kahi hoa pili.

I kekahi manawa maopopo leʻa nā hōʻailona e like me ke ao - {textend} a i kekahi manawa manaʻo paha ʻoe e hana ana ʻoe i kēia ma kou poʻo.

ʻOiai hiki ke kiʻekiʻe nā haunaele ma waena o nā hoaaloha i nā manawa, hiki pinepine iā mākou ke manaʻo ʻaʻole maoli ka hoʻomāinoino.

ʻO Kauka Fran Walfish, ʻohana a me ka psychotherapist pili ma Beverly Hills, Kaleponi, kaʻana like i kekahi mau hōʻailona:

• Wahaheʻe kāu hoa aloha iā ʻoe. “Inā hopu ʻoe iā lākou e wahaheʻe mau ana iā ʻoe, he pilikia kēlā. Hoʻokumu ʻia kahi pilina olakino ma ka hilinaʻi, "wehewehe a Walfish.
• Hoʻokū ʻoluʻolu kāu hoaaloha iā ʻoe a ʻaʻole hoʻokomo iā ʻoe. "Inā ʻoe e kūʻē iā lākou, lilo lākou i mea pale a kuhikuhi paha i ka manamana lima no kou hewa. E nīnau iā ʻoe iho, no ke aha lākou e ʻae ʻole nei?
• Koi lākou iā ʻoe no nā makana nui, e like me ke kālā, a laila gaslight ʻoe i ka noʻonoʻo he "makana" ia no lākou ma mua o kahi hōʻaiʻē.
• Hāʻawi kāu hoaaloha iā ʻoe i ka lāʻau hamū, a hōʻino paha iā ʻoe ma ka hoʻohewa ʻana iā ʻoe. ʻO kēia ke ala a ka mea hana ʻino e kaohi ai i ka ikaika, e wehewehe ʻo Walfish. "ʻAʻole ʻoe makemake e pili i kahi pilina kokoke kahi e hahaʻi ai i lalo a i ʻole ʻoi aku ai ka liʻiliʻi ma mua o ka mea ʻē aʻe."
• ʻAʻole mahalo kāu hoa i kou palena a i kou manawa.

ʻOiai ke waiho nei ke kūlana i ka manaʻo he manaʻolana ʻole, aia kekahi mau ala i waho a me nā ʻanuʻu ʻokoʻa i hiki i kekahi ke hana i ka hoʻāʻo ʻana e haʻalele i kahi aloha aloha kolohe.

ʻOiai ʻo ke kamaʻilio ākea ke kulekele maikaʻi loa, manaʻo ʻo Kauka Walfish ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o ke kūʻē ʻana i kāu mea hōʻino a haʻalele mālie.

“Me he mea lā ke hoʻonohonoho nei iā ʻoe iho. E hōʻino paha lākou iā ʻoe, no laila e aho e lokomaikaʻi. ʻAʻole mālama maikaʻi kēia poʻe i ka hōʻole, "wehewehe ʻo ia.

ʻO Kauka Gail Saltz, he loea pili o ka psychiatry ma ke Kula ʻo NY Presbyterian ʻo Weill-Cornell School o ka lāʻau lapaʻau a me ke kauka psychiatrist e kaʻana like me Healthline: ua komo i loko o kēia aloha a hoʻomanawanui iā ia i ka mea mua i ʻole e hoʻi i loko a komo i kahi mea hōʻino. "

Hōʻike pū ʻo Kauka Saltz e hoʻomaʻamaʻa aku ʻoe i nā poʻe ʻē aʻe e pili ana i nā hoaaloha a me nā lālā o ka ʻohana ʻaʻole ʻoe e noho kokoke me kahi kanaka ʻē aʻe.

"E haʻi i nā hoaaloha a i ʻole ʻohana i ka mea e hana nei a e kōkua iā lākou e noho kaʻawale," wahi a ia.

Manaʻo pū ʻo ia he naʻauao e hoʻololi i nā ʻōlelo huna a kēia kanaka i ʻike ai, a i ʻole ke ala e hiki ai i kou home a me kāu hana.

ʻOiai paha he paʻakikī paha ka haʻalele ʻana, a ke loaʻa iā ʻoe, e like me ke kanikau ʻana no ke eo, ua manaʻo ʻo Kauka Walfish e hala wale ana ʻoe i ka hoa āu i manaʻo ai iā ʻoe.

"A laila e koho iā ʻoe iho, e wehe i kou mau maka, a hoʻomaka i ke koho ʻana i kahi ʻano kanaka ʻokoʻa e hilinaʻi me kou mau manaʻo," i ʻōlelo ʻo ia. "Kūleʻa kou mau manaʻo a pono ʻoe e hoʻokae loa i ka mea āu e hilinaʻi ai."

Ua lōʻihi koʻu hoʻomaopopo ʻana i ka mea aʻu e ʻike nei he hoʻomāinoino.

He ʻano ʻakaʻaka kā ka poʻe Toxic o ke kākau hou ʻana i ka moʻolelo i kou manaʻo he hewa mau ʻoe.

I ka manawa e ʻike wau e hana ʻia ana, ua like ia me he lua lā i loko o koʻu ʻōpū.

"I nā hoa aloha hōʻino, waiho pinepine ʻia kekahi me ka maikaʻi ʻole," wahi a Kauka Saltz, kahi āna i kākau ai e alakaʻi i nā manaʻo o ka hewa, hilahila, a hopohopo paha, keu hoʻi e hoʻāʻo lākou e haʻalele i ke kūlana.

ʻO ka psychologist psychical a me ka mea kākau ʻo Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, i kahi nīnauele me ka Health Women, ua ʻōlelo ʻo ka poʻe ʻike pinepine ka piʻi ʻana o ka "hopohopo, ʻeha poʻo, a i ʻole haunaele ʻōpū," ke hoʻāʻo e haʻalele i kā lākou aloha aloha ʻona.

He ʻoiaʻiʻo nō kēia naʻu.

Ua hoʻomaka wau e ʻike i kahi mea lapaʻau i hiki iaʻu ke loaʻa ka ikaika a me ka wiwo ʻole e neʻe i mua.

I koʻu hui ʻana me kaʻu mea lapaʻau a wehewehe aku iā ia i kekahi o kaʻu mau hana i koʻu hoʻāʻo ʻana e puka i waho o kēia aloha, i ʻike ʻia paha e kekahi me he mea ʻae ʻole a me ka manipulative paha, ua wehewehe ʻo ia iaʻu ʻaʻole naʻu ka hewa.

I ka hopena o ka lā, ʻaʻole au i noi e hoʻomāinoino ʻia e kēia kanaka - {textend} a ʻoiai paha lākou e hoʻāʻo e hana mai iaʻu me ia, ʻaʻole ʻae ʻia.

Ua hoʻomau ʻo ia e wehewehe iaʻu i ka maopopo o kaʻu mau hana i nā hopena i hoʻomaka ʻia - {textend} ʻoiai he mea kupanaha ʻole, e hoʻohana ʻia kēlā mau hopena i kūʻē iaʻu ke pau kā mākou aloha aloha, huli ʻana i nā hoaaloha ʻē aʻe e kūʻē iaʻu.

He paʻakikī ka hoʻokele ʻana i nā hoa aloha hōʻino, ʻoiai ke hiki ʻole iā ʻoe ke ʻike i nā hōʻailona hōʻailona.

ʻO kēia ke kumu nui o ko mākou kamaʻilio ākea ʻana e pili ana iā lākou.

He hulina wikiwiki, a ʻike ʻoe i ka huli ʻana o nā poʻe i nā pūnaewele e like me Reddit e nīnau ai i nā nīnau e like me, "Aia kekahi mea e like me ka hoa aloha hoʻomāinoino?" a i ʻole "Pehea e neʻe ai i mua o kahi aloha aloha kolohe?"

No ka mea ke kū nei, aia he mea liʻiliʻi loa i waho e kōkua ai i kēlā me kēia.

ʻAe, ʻo nā hoaaloha hōʻino kekahi mea. A ʻae, hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻōla mai iā lākou pū kekahi.

ʻO nā hoa aloha hoʻomāinoino he mea nui aku ma mua o ka hana keaka - {textend} he ola maoli lākou, a hiki iā lākou ke lilo i ʻano hoʻopunipuni o ka trauma.

Pono ʻoe i ke olakino, hoʻokō i nā pilina e haʻalele ʻole iā ʻoe me ka makaʻu, hopohopo, a haki ʻole ʻia. A ke waiho nei i kahi aloha aloha kolohe, ʻoiai ʻeha, hiki ke hoʻoikaika ʻia i ka wā lōʻihi - {textend} a he mea nui ia no kou olakino noʻonoʻo a me kou naʻau.

ʻO Amanda (Ama) Scriver kahi mea kākau moʻolelo manuahi i kaulana loa no ka momona, leo nui, a me ke kī ma ka pūnaewele. ʻO nā mea e hoʻohauʻoli ai iā ia he lipstick wiwo ʻole, kīwī maoli, a me nā ʻāpana ʻuala. Ua ʻike ʻia kāna mau hana kākau ma Leafly, Buzzfeed, The Washington Post, FLARE, The Walrus, a me Allure. Noho ʻo ia ma Toronto, Kanada. Hiki iā ʻoe ke ukali iā ia ma ʻO Twitter a i ʻole Instagram.